When The Judge Is The Accused: The Nigerian Government Compensation Method

Suicide bombers in the Boko Haram sect (the Islamic terrorist group opposing western education in Nigeria) believe dying for a good cause will earn them paradise. In addition to this, they are promised  better welfare for their family members.

Sadly, the Nigerian government has adopted this method in providing 'curative' consolation to families of deceased citizens whom they could have well prevented their deaths.

Youth Corpers who were serving their nation in Bauchi state and who were supposed to be under the custody of the federal government  were killed during the April 2011 polls while they were being used as ad-hoc officials. The President declared a 5 million naira compensation to be paid to each of their families and the immediate employment of their siblings into the Federal Civil service.

Again, on March 15, the National Immigration service conducted a job test in some of the nation's state capitals and people were stampeded to death and many more injured in various centres. The President again was quick to show his sympathy and has declared compensation in the form of jobs for their families as reported by the Sun on-line newspaper.

Reflecting on it, I couldn't help thinking, 'the present Nigerian government has gone Boko-Haramic on us!!! Die for a good cause and your relations will be compensated. It is a Nigerian leadership thing to prefer cure to prevention, but this is not even a cure. It is a compensation that does not come close to doing what it is meant for. It is an ugly habit that our president seems comfortable with. Some say 'better this than nothing at all', but I say 'we do not want compensations because we are not all suicide bombers. All the youth corpers and job seekers who died were there for themselves. They did not sign up for suicide missions with 'silly' compensations. If we all have to die for our relations to get jobs, soon the ones with the jobs will have to die for the ones still without jobs or in school. At least if the jobs are not guaranteed, let us stay alive while we hope for a better future. Let's get out of the tests alive!!!!

The federal government of Nigeria should protect the lives of its citizens else there will soon be no one left to govern. There is no king without a kingdom. It is the duty of a government to protect its citizens and provide jobs. Boko-Haram is shedding enough blood already....Mr President, please do not become their convert!

The Boy And His Dog.

I  see this young boy every morning as I run. The way he consciously and calmly walks his dog, minding it so it does not offend passers-by, cleaning up after it and carrying on like an adult, the only thought that comes to my mind is that he will definitely grow into a very responsible adult. I had to stop one day to ask him ‘quanti anni hai?’, and when he responded ‘dieci’ and I followed with ‘sei bravo’, I could only wonder how much more brave and responsible his parents  are to agree to a ten year old walking his dog every morning before school. Instantly, I remembered asking a girl of about 9 years to pray in church and she responded that she doesn't know how to because mum always prays. I asked what if mum is not around, and she responded 'mum is always around'. 

More often than not, we underestimate what our children can do. We limit them because we want to protect them. Undeniably, it is our responsibility but we must draw the lines as well as create opportunities to let them learn independence and  responsibility. So the question that poses itself is ‘how early?’. I am not an expert in child psychology, but I have read a lot since I gave birth and I will only echo what I have learnt. ‘As early as they can learn right and wrong’. Toddlers know when to help if you let them, in fact their rebellion is more an act of seeking independence, adolescents crave it so much that if not handled appropriately, the scene gets ugly.

I always wonder at parents who do not make efforts to improve on what they know. Some people just have one line of response, ‘that’s the way I was brought up’, and then I silently ask, ‘and you believe all your potentials were maximized’, you believe this is the best you can be?’. I don’t say it out loud so I don’t get slapped serially, but I try to pass on this message (depending on how close I am with the subject): we must do better.

I have successfully taught my 14 month old to say thank you, even though she doesn’t understand in what direction it should go (she hands me over something I ask for and says thank you, because she sees me smile and say thank you), but with time she’ll definitely learn it. Then we’ll learn to say sorry and with time, every other essential phrase. I do what I can, yet I always feel like I am not doing enough. I continually read expert advice, comments on good articles, opinions, different methods and expected results and from these I form my own opinion and methods. We are far from adolescence but I look forward to a meeting in the near future with two psychologists who will be addressing the issues of adolescence with a group of women with whom I attend language school. I don’t know if this opportunity will present itself again, so I am arming myself with as much knowledge as I can, whenever I can.  It always feels like my early reading days when I could never get enough of books (I used to be that kid that read newspapers in the convenience, even when the words just end up confusing me) because I am consumed with learning to do the right thing for my child(ren).

I will always remember that ten year old with his dog. I’ll let it serve as a reminder that  my children can do much more than I think at every point in their lives. I will try to create opportunities for them to express who they are, what they love to do and what they can do. I hope I get it right, every parent lives with this fear......but we push it aside and hope for the best.

Running For My Life

It’s been four weeks  since I started running for my life. I attended a 50th birthday in-house party of a senior friend and I could not stop wondering how she managed to look 30 at 50. Yes, she is an Italian and yes it might be genetic but I continued to think that it was not just that. She had learned how to live right, eat right and maintain a great shape. I have been putting off exercises for a long time, making excuses of tiredness and time, but that day I got cured of my procrastination by fire. To add to my fuel, the daily devotional booklet  I use had on that day, encouraged starting an exercise regimen. Call it a coincidence or what you like, it just worked for me and I got started. I waited this long before blogging about it just to make sure I have formed the habit and have committed myself to continuing.

I run round the park close to my house 3 times every morning (I can’t tell how many metres that is, I will have to find out). I run every morning, telling myself, ‘your life will be a lot better for it’. I might not see the benefits now, of course I can’t see my heart working better but I do feel it. My energy level is always higher during the day, my muscles more toned and my spirit motivated. It sounds like an exaggeration but ask any runner, and he’ll tell you.

I have been trying to wish away my post-pregnancy pouch, yes wish away because I know I wasn't doing enough to get rid of it, and I had always said (before my pregnancy) that I would not carry a pouch around because it would ruin my style (I love fitted clothes!) but I have been reluctant to put in the effort needed to get rid of it. But with this running habit and the abdominals that follow once I return home, I am looking forward to getting back to shape again. I've been told that because I did not  tie my stomach immediately after birth, I might not succeed in getting my body back again, but I am willing to try proving that wrong and that is what I am doing. I only do hope it works, but even if it doesn't flatten my tummy, I am glad to know I can make a decision and stick to it.

Many times we know the right thing to do but lack the motivation to do it, especially if it’s not connected to a pay check. Our daily habits, what we eat, drink, exercise or the lack of it will all determine how we age. I intend to age gracefully, to be strong for a long time to come, and if it is what I have to do, then I will keep running for my life!!

P.S :  I had a very big first pregnancy. I used to call it a pencil, it was that long!

Know Your Pride Level

During arguments, when I hear people make comments like, ‘we are not age mates’ or we are not in the same level’, I quickly summarize how they view life. It’s either they think an older person cannot be at fault or they feel their age is an achievement everyone should respect, and that to me means either the person has not achieved much or has no hope or desire to achieve more. Thus, his or her age becomes a trophy for all to behold. 

I am not  promoting rudeness to older people, I am just saying that when two adults are misunderstanding themselves, it should not be the time to call in the number of years spent on earth, which almost always has nothing to do with the bone of contention. Even when dealing with children, one needs to be careful because they also  can be right when an older person is wrong. So, I don’t see why an adult will point out his or her age to another adult as if that is the only criteria for being right.

Then, the level thing, I just wonder what  it really means. Does it refer to financial, intellectual, physical (e.g number of children)  or spiritual (like someone recently pointed out for me) superiority. I am still wondering what spiritual level means because once pointed out, it is tantamount to pride and that brings the person to zero level. It’s worse when the ‘higher level’ person happens to be educated, all that schooling seems to just fly out the window and he or she comes off sounding like an illiterate.

Dare I say that often times the person who is at fault is almost always the one to foul the peace process because just as he won’t check what he says to cause the misunderstanding, he also won’t stop to listen and find out where he erred because he is not on the same level with the other person.

People please, a mis-UNDERSTANDING  is what it is. Whether you think you are above or below, common sense demands you listen to each other and come to an understanding!!!!

So when someone uses that line with me, I just respond silently, ‘yes, we are not on the same PRIDE level, knock yourself out getting to the top!!!

The Adamic Nature: Majority Carries The Vote

There is a saying that when you point a finger to someone, the rest of your fingers point back at you. We like to blame others for our problems and just as often we forget to see the problem almost always comes from us. I call it the ‘adamic’ nature (for non Christians, Adam was the first man in the bible whose wife Eve gave the forbidden fruit). Adam points to Eve, she points to the serpent and I like to think the serpent might have pointed to God for creating the tree in the first place.

Back to us!!!

The solution to most of our problems lie with and within us, if only we stop the finger pointing act. I am not ruling out the presence of some persons whose only aim in life is to constantly constitute a nuisance. Yes, sometimes others can be at fault but how ready are we to see and accept it when the fault is ours, i.e. when the majority of your fingers carry the vote.

Individually and as a society, we must learn the art of taking responsibility for our actions no matter what the outcome is.

One of my friends who had the opportunity of studying in the UK for his masters degree, once opined on facebook that the west (Britain)  was responsible for the ineffective mode of teaching and learning that has contributed to the crippled education system in Nigeria. After some minutes of thought, I asked him why we have not realized that after fifty something years, and why our leaders who travel far and wide have done nothing about it. So it’s either they have also not noticed or they have and decided it is not a priority (after all their own children also get their degrees outside Nigeria). Either way, the finger he was trying to point could not stand the direction of the majority.

In addition, when I  read this article on the recent gay situation in Nigeria and some of the comments directly blamed the west for trying  to force it down our throats, even when the writer clearly stated that as a child, he had seen gay people over 50 years ago and in the 70s, openly showing affection, all I could think of was ‘enough with the finger pointing!!!’

If there is one thing I will teach my children, it will be that actions have consequences. Once you make a decision and act on it, the majority of your fingers will carry the vote no matter how much you point that first finger.

We make life-changing decisions all the time. To study or not, to work hard or not, to marry (for the right reasons) or not. It is an endless list but most times we do not stop to ask what the consequences will be in the long run. Then if/when things go wrong, we go berserk screaming at someone else instead of at ourselves.

Let’s take responsibility of our actions and their consequences, both as individuals and societies. That way we can effectively learn from our mistakes, retrace our steps and make overall progress.

Love Life: Live It Like Meg

My 13 month old toddler loves to be awake!!! Yes, so much so she fights her sleep all the time and can push it for up to 2 hours . But when she does  sleep, she almost always wakes up with a big smile on her face (if her sleep is interrupted, you won’t get any). An infectious smile that can easily be interpreted as ‘oh, I'm still here, where all the fun is’, and it makes you want to pick her up and plant kisses all over her face.

*You will be getting lots of Meg -inspired thoughts, she has been a fountain of inspiration since she was born*

Then I thought, what if I can live that way. Facing every waking moment with a smile. I confess it’ll be hard to ignore the body pains that I wake with on nights that she insists on putting asunder , the ever present feeling that plagues my sleep: how to create time for myself and  the string of tasks always waiting to be done. I'm always racing against time and my guess is, so do you.

We get so busy with life we forget to live it. We forget to smile, hug, hold hands and sit down to chat just for the love of hearing each other’s laughter. It’s worse with all the ‘aiming higher’, not being mediocre’, standing out from the crowd’ messages we hear every day. We are on a race to outdo ourselves and the next person, we often lose sight of the flowers on the path of the race.

I remember looking at the autumn trees and thinking, ‘even the withering process has got its own beauty. It inspired me to continue living each day not minding the circumstances, to see the beauty in my difficult seasons and know that as the same trees that wither with beauty in autumn, bloom again in spring with splendour , I will continue to rise no matter how many times I fall like the withering leaves.

I have resolved to live like Meg. To embrace life with a smile, telling myself I will get through it (in tough times) and stopping every now and then to count my blessings. I've had more downs than ups but every of those down times got me to reflect and conclude that I am far better alive than dead. Like when I broke my two arms (complete fractures) in an accident, I knew I could've ended up paralysed or even dead but I still live a normal life even if I can’t lift heavy things or I just get to carry my daughter for very short periods while standing.

A clearer picture (that I would never forget) will be that of a very young fresh graduate I met in Abuja Nigeria in 2012, who was travelling to another state for a job interview. A month later, I heard she died on her way back from that trip on a route I had plied countless times. I knew it could've been me on one of my endless trips during my job search days. Every time I remember that pretty young lady, I say to myself I’d rather be alive and jobless than dead, so I won’t give up just because I don’t have a 9-5.

So if you are alive and still struggling to achieve your dreams but you seem  to have more downs than ups, I challenge you: remember the autumn trees, remember some people have died in the past trying to reach where you are today, remember to stop and smile, to say to yourself, ‘I’ll get through this’. Remember to love life and live it with gratitude.

It Wasn't Me!!!!!

A whole week and no post after the very first! This has to be a joke. I berated myself for not dealing with my procrastination weakness as I resolved this new year but after 5 days, I knew it wasn't me. This is not the ‘adamic’ habit of pointing fingers, this is the truth. I am a stay-at- home mum, who cannot find time for herself. Housewives’ tale, you say.

I was reading a facebook thread and some chic called a housewife ‘lazy’, and I felt like stretching invisible hands to give her a sound knock on the head. I’m not the housewife type, infact I’m all for the career-loving woman and anyone who knows me personally will attest to that, but this is what I have to do now while I plan the next steps to take, and it is no child’s play.

As soon as my morning prayers are concluded, I hit the ground running until night plus I have  a toddler who makes it all the more fun.....you know how!

Why do stay-at- home mums always complain about being so busy when all they do is cook and clean? If our sisters who work outside the home are honest, they will tell you how challenging it is to do that and manage a home efficiently, or better still the opportunity costs of their careers! Someone I know likes to say, ‘something has got to give’ and this is so true for every married woman.

Yeah, I know the celebrities and unreal people will say you can have it all, but if we face the facts, there is always a price to pay and I like to say, it all depends on what makes you happy and what works for your family.

I started this blog so I can have something that makes me happy, you know what they say...happy mother, happy home...but it seems like I never find time to write. I hear I have to either wake up very early or sleep quite late, so I’m praying, hoping and wishing that Meg will start sleeping at a stretch, without her intermittent wakes at night so I can have  a functional brain early in the morning because nights are ruled out!!!! All I look forward to at night is a good massage from dear husband and a soft clean pillow to lay my head.

Pray tell, who would like to take my place just for a week?