To Turn A Blind Eye Or Not?

Yesterday I was at the open market that holds every Wednesday in the area where I live, to buy fruits for the week. As I stood at the stall from where I wanted to buy, I noticed this pregnant woman walking nonchalantly with a boy about 7 years behind her. You would not know they were together but I noticed because I saw her  glance back at him making sure he was following. I wanted to attribute it to fatigue from the pregnancy until I saw the boy reaching for a strawberry on the table of the next stall. His mum was standing at a distance pretending to be on the queue. Instinctively, I told him sternly not to. He looked at me and ran to the mother. My ‘aproco’ self  was about to tell her to mind him so he won’t pick things from people’s tables and get called names, but as I turned, I saw the boy telling her he wanted strawberries. She quietly moved away from the queue and started heading back to where she came from, leaving the boy behind her as before. He drew closer again to touch the strawberry and this time I raised my voice while warning him not to touch it. He ran to his mother and as I followed him with my eyes, I saw her looking at me with eyes that could have killed if it were possible. The boy had told her and she was mad with me!!

 I wished  I could call the authorities to take that boy from her. She is breeding a thief and tomorrow the society will pay dearly for it. We have enough menace already, we do not have to look on while some people diligently add to it. Plus that child can become whatever he wants tomorrow, why should that be taken away from him because he has parents who think they can take what does not belong to them, teach same to their children and use poverty to justify it? I was kind of furious because I couldn’t do anything or rather because I didn’t know what to do. (A call to my Italian friends to drop a comment on what I can do, or which authority to refer to in cases like this).

I was just as mad last week when I met a Nigerian young man I know, begging on the street near the centre of the city where I live. I wasn’t mad because he was begging, in fact I would have preferred if the woman begged the fruit vendor for just one strawberry for the kid. But I was mad because  I know him and his wife with their 3 year old daughter. We made acquaintance as Nigerians living close to each other but we rarely visit. So I know he works and also gets support from the city council because his wife came into Italy from Libya while pregnant and was taken into their care. The council have continued to care for that child and they get a generous amount every month to that effect. They live in a house paid for by the council (or I would say subsidized) and have things going for them better than those who work off their asses paying the exorbitant rent we all are screaming about. Imagine my surprise when I saw him standing with one of the guys who usually stand there to beg, with his face almost completely hidden from view  by the big hood of his jacket. I had seen him while approaching but I intentionally greeted the other one who I normally exchange greetings with and passed by. I know he saw me but I saved him the shame because I couldn’t help thinking that greed has eaten him up and there was no need adding shame to his eaters.

He didn’t think for once what that could do to his daughter’s self esteem. Children know much more than we give them credit for and a very expressive child in his daughter’s class might see him and recognise him as her father. What he or she says to his daughter will only be limited by the type of upbringing or discussion by his or her parents. He didn’t stop to think it was better to leave the other guy (who I honestly assume is not working, because I don’t know him from Adam) so he can get more help, he doesn’t think the society has done enough for him. He just has to keep collecting and collecting. Some people like abusing other people’s kindness, and just because he thinks Italians will always look at the poor black beggar and have mercy, he has enough reason to abuse the privileges he has. .  He knew he was doing wrong and tried so very well to hide his face.

 Raising a kid with that mentality is just wrong and when it will really come back to bite him in the ass, he won’t see it coming.  I also felt like he should be reported to the authorities but I don’t know if I have the right to do so. People like to say that parenting style is every parent’s choice and people should not interfere. But when we see a child being wronged with an upbringing that will only hurt us or our children in the future, should we turn a blind eye? Even if we cannot intervene directly, should we not call in the appropriate authorities to right these wrongs. Sincerely, carrying a pregnancy and giving birth does not qualify every woman who has done it to be called mother and donating the sperm that makes the child does not make every man who does it a father. There is much more behind those words, and every human being who brings out children into this already difficult world should not make things more difficult for both the children and the people already in it. 

The Boy And His Dog.

I  see this young boy every morning as I run. The way he consciously and calmly walks his dog, minding it so it does not offend passers-by, cleaning up after it and carrying on like an adult, the only thought that comes to my mind is that he will definitely grow into a very responsible adult. I had to stop one day to ask him ‘quanti anni hai?’, and when he responded ‘dieci’ and I followed with ‘sei bravo’, I could only wonder how much more brave and responsible his parents  are to agree to a ten year old walking his dog every morning before school. Instantly, I remembered asking a girl of about 9 years to pray in church and she responded that she doesn't know how to because mum always prays. I asked what if mum is not around, and she responded 'mum is always around'. 

More often than not, we underestimate what our children can do. We limit them because we want to protect them. Undeniably, it is our responsibility but we must draw the lines as well as create opportunities to let them learn independence and  responsibility. So the question that poses itself is ‘how early?’. I am not an expert in child psychology, but I have read a lot since I gave birth and I will only echo what I have learnt. ‘As early as they can learn right and wrong’. Toddlers know when to help if you let them, in fact their rebellion is more an act of seeking independence, adolescents crave it so much that if not handled appropriately, the scene gets ugly.

I always wonder at parents who do not make efforts to improve on what they know. Some people just have one line of response, ‘that’s the way I was brought up’, and then I silently ask, ‘and you believe all your potentials were maximized’, you believe this is the best you can be?’. I don’t say it out loud so I don’t get slapped serially, but I try to pass on this message (depending on how close I am with the subject): we must do better.

I have successfully taught my 14 month old to say thank you, even though she doesn’t understand in what direction it should go (she hands me over something I ask for and says thank you, because she sees me smile and say thank you), but with time she’ll definitely learn it. Then we’ll learn to say sorry and with time, every other essential phrase. I do what I can, yet I always feel like I am not doing enough. I continually read expert advice, comments on good articles, opinions, different methods and expected results and from these I form my own opinion and methods. We are far from adolescence but I look forward to a meeting in the near future with two psychologists who will be addressing the issues of adolescence with a group of women with whom I attend language school. I don’t know if this opportunity will present itself again, so I am arming myself with as much knowledge as I can, whenever I can.  It always feels like my early reading days when I could never get enough of books (I used to be that kid that read newspapers in the convenience, even when the words just end up confusing me) because I am consumed with learning to do the right thing for my child(ren).

I will always remember that ten year old with his dog. I’ll let it serve as a reminder that  my children can do much more than I think at every point in their lives. I will try to create opportunities for them to express who they are, what they love to do and what they can do. I hope I get it right, every parent lives with this fear......but we push it aside and hope for the best.